SALLY HARRINGTON 17-12-07
Not a great deal happens here at crimbo, apart from marathon drinking and so called 'Dinner Dances', more like The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral. We went to one last week.....the usual ageing DJ, complete with nylon shirt avec yellow sweat patches, black pegs, sweaty upper lip, faint smell of urine wafting with an undercurrant of cowshit curtesy of the wellies he didn't bother changing. As if thats not bad enough he wears a god awful wig which is also going bald! you would think the fact that everyone calls him 'patch' to his face would filter through....but no
I must tell you about a very odd experience I had recently.......
My back gave out as it is prone to do from time to time. That evening I sneezed and collapsed. Long story short.....Next morning I was taken to Cork Hospital by ambulance. This is what occurred.
A two hour journey over the 'Cuosane Gap' the quick, rough road....arrived at the hospital at 10am. where I was duly parked in A&E (which actually resembled the UN on acid) I was then put into one of those backless gowns (needless to say it had no ties) WHY?? Humiliation purposes? To stop you running away?
I was placed between a really old lady to my right who was seemingly talking in tongues, Aramaic, I think. It transpires she had been lying on her kitchen floor all night with a broken hip!. To my left, a young girl, I think, I could only see her arse hanging out of the 'gown of shame' and it looked female. She was a drug overdose.
So, you get the picture, the three of us, Freeman, Hardy and Willis lined up on trollies, waiting........
My two companians proved to be poor conversationalists, but what they lacked in genial convo, they made up for with the DT's and moaning.......
Several hours later (5, to be precise about it) a man, and I'm pretty sure he was wearing a white coat....approached MY trolly!! 'hello, I'm Doctor Mengele '(or some such) he then proceeded to stick his finger up my arse!!!!!!!! (and before you ask, no I don't remember if he wore a glove)
MMMmmmmm I thought, must be some kind of a test?....................
By 8pm (still on trolly) with a bladder like an ice bucket and ready to KILL for a fag, and still no MEDICAL attention, I managed to reach my mobile and call Liam.
By 10pm he had arrived and managed to man handle me into the car (strangely enough this manoeuvre seemed to help no end?) Lying in the back of the now, smoke filled car, I vowed never to go near a hospital again unless my fucking head was hanging off!!
I haven't told Liam about Dr Who yet as I'm still pondering what happened. He could have been a doctor, then again, he could have been a complete nutter off the street...........Oh sweet mystery of life..........
Hopefully, this christmas will be better than last for you (couldn't be worse)
The Seasons Greetings to you both,
I wait expectantly.........
I have been seeing strange men that normally never leave the environs of the village from my window for the past week?? They have wild eyes, facial tics, legs jumping like jack hammers. Some have flea bitten tripe hounds (dogs) on pieces of string that look as though they need sun glasses as it has been so long since they were let out of whatever shed they were kept in since christmas day.
I had been musing as to why they are doing this as the only other time this occurs is Good Friday and Christmas day (the two days in the year that the pubs close). Then it came to me.... It's that time of year again.....The Lenten Package as I call it! The poor sods swear off the drink for Lent. Needless to say most do not make it, still, It's quite entertaining to watch.
Some months ago Banjo found an injured baby red squirrel down the river, which Liam brought home. I thought it would die that night, but Liam stayed up all night feeding it milk and it was still alive next day. It's tail was mangled and it was alive with lice and maggots! I cut part of the tail off, washed Squiggly in dettol (thought that would kill it) and waited.....
Several weeks later, specially made outdoor cage and Squiggly was not only fighting fit but a fully fledged member of the growing menagerie. You could handle him fine and even kiss him!! no problem. The only problem being Liams reluctance to set him free.
At my insistance he eventually agreed. Liam placed him on a hazelnut tree in the garden..... He ran up the branch then straight back onto Liam. I gave Liam a weeks reprieve.
A week later, Liam's brother John was here. The day and the hour arrived. Liam said he would bring Squiggly in to say goodbye. Big mistake. Squig was used to us but not John or his voice. As soon as Liam came in with him John let out a very loud AAaahhhhh. Squiggly immediately bit Liam several times (I never realised men could scream just like women) he couldn't let him go, as we would never catch him again. Sqig kept biting, Liam kept screaming but holding on to the now named 'evil squirrel' there was blood pissing everywhere and Liam screaming 'get something to put him in' As I was hanging on the door breaking my arse laughing this took me a little while. Eventually Squig was safely enclosed in the bread bin.
Liam decided to put Squig's cage on the roof of the garage and leave the door open.......After about 30 mins Squig left the cage and jumped on to an overhanging branch, ran up then down again, looked at Liam with an expression that was part fear, part regret and part 'we'll always have Paris' and disappeared into the trees........
My friend Ann from Camden is arriving on the 8.30 bus tonight so I must start opening the Merlot to warm by the fire.
Hope you are all whatever,
PS The daughter is on the run up to finals, realises what crap tutors she has had for animation, and I was wondering if you would consider having her over for a week at the end of the summerish to give her a crash course on Flash. She may never use it but feels she should know more than she does. Feel free to say NAAAaaahhhhhh!!! and I will start making voodoo doll.
A new front tooth, so I can say 'SHOOT THAT DOG!'
Did I mention that some time ago Banjo (huge eejit dog) ran into my head as I was bending to pick up a stick to throw for him?.....anyway, he ran into me like a small bullock and split my head open, blacked my one remaining eye and knocked me out! Fairly embarrasing walk home, had to take my T shirt off and wrap it around my head to staunch the bleeding, while trying to do that nonchalant thing of pretending it was quite normal...... The upshot is that I keep getting an abcess on my front tooth. Many courses of antibiotics and root canal!!!!! have revealed a fracture above the tooth and it has to be extracted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The new tooth will cost E1000 and the good news is I have to be without it for 3 days for the impression to be taken and tooth made. I may never go out again!
Christmas eh? I loathe christmas with an intensity only rivalled by the sun. Without little kids there really is no point for me. What with me being a heathen bitch (or so I'm frequently told) and a total allergy to all the consumerism connected with it.......I'd rather be in Philladelphia.
Hope you are feeling less 'autumnal' and that Islington was fruitful? What are you up to for the 'holidays' as we must now refer to christmas? in case we offend someone like Osama bin laden. Personally after all the brainwashing I shall be finding it hard to resist dressing in victorian clothes and going ice skating.
Liam and Keeley set off for Cork this morning at 6.30 to get her a graphics pad. Every time they go on sale some git bulk buys the lot then puts them on e-bay. My mother used to have a name for people like that, what was it?.......Oh yes , a shower of bastards! They will get there for the shop opening this time and wobetide anyone that gets in their way! The joys of living in West Cork isolation.
Had a really awful experience yesterday. I have had flu and not left the house for over a week, so Liam said 'why dont we go for a nice Xdrive and a walk with the dogs?' I said we should go to the woods, he said 'no, there are too many assholes on a Sunday wearing white trousers (dirty dogs) we'll go to Barley Lake, we haven't been there in years' Now, Barley Lake is a strange place, It's a lake on top of a mountain with a switchback, hairpin road leading to it. Yesterday morning was very frosty and icy. The roads had been gritted but only the main roads. We set off. The distant mountains looked liked Switzerland, lovely. Half way up I voiced my fears about the state of the road being like a sheet of glass! I wanted to stop and come down, the problem is the road is so narrow and winding with sheer drops that there is nowhere to turn until the top. As we climbed, very slowly the wheels just started spinning and the car began to role backwards! Liam managed to stop the car, but then we were kind of fucked. He told me to get out as my weight wasn't helping the situation (tempers were rising) next the dogs were jettissoned. Nothing was happening. Eventually Liam let the car role back to even ground and tried again. This time he just about made it, I followed on foot with faithfull mutts. At the summit we discovered a van load of Latvians!! Somehow they had made it up, but were now too scared to go down. I didn't blame them. After much mime and esperanto the general concensus was that we should wait for the sun to melt the ice then try the descent. The only problem being that it was now 3pm and it was going to start freezing again soon! I said I would start walking down and get help if neccessary, Off I went. I stopped several times on the way down as my legs were numb and I kept falling over, not really such a problem, but each time I fell I didn't like the way the dogs were eyeing me up! One hairpin to go and I heard the car engines. Liam had made the Latvians go first, with some of their party walking ahead with shovels clearing the worst parts. What a great Sunday jaunt that was, did me the power of good.
Not really much to report from these parts, very very quiet at this time of year, especially as everyone is paralysed with fear about the economy, the same all over, spoke to my brother in U.S. he says it's dreadful over there.
Hope you are both holding up O.K. and as the euro is almost the same as sterling now, I may chance a visit next year, see how the tooth expo pans out.
Hope Santa brings you what you wished for......Liam wants a motorised hat and I want a Michael Jackson voodoo doll
SEASONS GREETINGS TO YOU AND DIANNE HAVE A GOOD ONE,
LOTS OF LOVE, SAL (gumshoe as they are already calling me) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX